In the middle of the road of my life I awoke in the dark wood where the true way was wholly lost. ~Dante Alighieri
I added my playlist...or most of anyway...to the bottom of the page. There were some songs on my playlist such as The Good Kind by The Wreckers & The Captain by Kasey Chambers that I couldn't find at this site.
Anyway...enjoy the music....or shut it off.
My cool new shoes...my very first pair of real Converse...hurt my feet! What a shame that is, because they are so cute and I wore them all day yesterday so it's not like I can return them. Target is the worse for trying to return brand new items in the packaging...they certainly aren't going to look favorably on a pair of obviously worn shoes. So my loss will be someone else's gain...and I'll have to post them on Craigslist or Ebay. I'm sure I won't get what I paid for them, but at least I won't be throwing them away.
Some piece of some one else's car came crashing into my winshield this morning on my drive to work. It was scary! Now I am going to have to make the arrangements to have my windshield replaced. Oh the joy of car ownership! Thankfully we have full glass coverage on our vehicles. So it's only a time inconvienence and not a financial burden.
Been milling some blog topics in my head for the last couple of days. Have a couple of ideas, but want to make sure I have enough time to devote to writing on them.
This is when I wish I had internet at home. I have given a brief thought to doing dial-up because of the expense, but the spoiled brat in me would rather not have internet at all if I can't have DSL. So, I have to wait. Bummer!
I bought my first pair of 'real' Converse this week. I *love* them! I think I will buy a pink pair next...and then a red pair...then I will design my own. I think I am addicted.
I am glad that they now sell them at Target. I am more likely to go to Target then wherever else they sell them. Where do they sell them? They probably sell them at the mall. I hardly ever go to the mall.
I hate not having the internet at home! I hate not being able to upload pictures from my camera onto the web. I *hate* that!
I just got a great digital camera and now that I can't upload my pictures it almost seems like a waste of money. Almost.
I am excited about spending the weekend with B! Really excited! Only an hour before she gets here. And then four days away. Yea!
I need a good pair of sandals for the summer. I hate spending a lot of money on them. I want something I can wear with skirts or shorts. Something versatile...dressy and casual.
I like these sandals and wonder if they are as comfortable as they look. I don't think they'd pass as both dressy and casual.
Right now, I am listening to If I Was You by Kasey Chambers. Her voice has a certain country twang/whine that I like. I don't like that sound most of the time, but she does it well. Oh, now I'm listening to Breakable by Ingrid Michaelson. How musically eclectic I am. Someday I'll post my daily playlist.
I have 20 minutes left at work. Only 20 minutes! I'll probably end up staying later. I always do.
I won't post again until Tuesday. Unless I use B's computer. Maybe I'll use B's computer. Maybe I'll upload my pictures using her computer. I could save them to a disk. Put them on my computer at home later. I'll have to remember to take disks with me when I go.
It looks like rain today. I *love* the rain! But I'm going to be moving boxes and paper today and rain is not good weather for that adventure. Oh well, it'll work out. Or it'll be soggy.
I am hungry. Very hungry. All I ate yesterday was soup...crackers...and I had a sandwich. But today I am starving! OK, maybe not starving...but definitely ready for lunch.
I'm done with this post. I could not be done with this post and add pieces of randomness from my brain all day, but as you may recall...I'm hungry and I only have 17 minutes left here at work.
Have a great weekend!
No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true.
We lie because we don't know who we are and we are afraid if we tell the truth the other person will figure out who we are before we do
Somewhere along the way, I have lost me. I am no longer the same me that I once was. And while I know that there is the inevitable growing and changing that happens to every person who has the breath of life within them, I also know that this misplacement of who I am has very little to do with the maturity and growth that time naturally benefits us. No, this unfortunate displacement of what makes me...well...me, is a direct result of ardent seeking and searching to create in me and of me someone who will be liked by the general public, someone who is very similar if not an exact replica of everyone else.
This makes me sad. Beyond sad. There was a time that I really liked me. I liked what I was good at, I liked what I stood for, I liked the things I was passionate about, and I liked me.
I don't feel like myself much anymore. I feel like I am always surveying the crowd to figure out who I should be to 'fit in'. And the worst of it is the masks that I am wearing are so ill-fitting that, try as I might, I don't feel comfortable in my pretending. I feel like such a fake, a phony, a fraud. I feel like at any moment someone is going to discover that I am there under false pretenses and reveal my dirty little secret to the world at large.
Ok, seriously, I am not crazy. I am not paranoid. I just miss being confident. I truly miss being okay with the world around me. I miss being able to share what I am thinking, feeling, believing, being without wondering how it will be received. I miss having the confidence that I once had in others. I miss the closeness, the bond, the connectedness that I once felt.
It would be easy to say that the people that I surround myself with now are not as trustworthy as the people I once knew. It would be easy to say these people don't care as much or don't want to be that involved or closely connected, but that just isn't the case. It isn't others, it's me. I am struggling to trust.
Trust is a fragile feeling that when broken, shatters. The person whose trust has been broken is cut deeply and the people close to them are injured as well. The wounds run deep and take a long time to heal. In fear of having the scars ripped open once again, we keep others at bay. And still everyone suffers.
That's where I find myself today. Trying to keep my relationships shallow and superficial in order to prevent myself from being hurt once again.
Shallow and superficial is not who I am. And there is a great struggle in trying to live that way. A great struggle in trying to stay guarded. A great struggle in trying to live a 'snorkel existence'. A great struggle indeed.
The church is not to be like a bus, where passengers sit quietly and let someone else do the driving, but like an anthill, where everybody is at work. Not everyone who thus ministers will be a church officer, nor will the service they render always be appreciated. But just as every bit of that fabulous complex, the human body, has a job to do, so it is with each of us who believe.
Why is this such a hard lesson to learn? It really seems like it would fall into the 'no-duh' portion of life and yet daily I need to be reminded of it.
Somewhere along the way in my life I developed this need to be in charge, to be in control. OK, that's probably not the truth...I've always had the desire to be in control and be in charge, it's not a recent development, but it is a recent realization. Maybe it comes from being first-born. Maybe it comes from being encouraged to do my best and be the best...and isn't 'the best' the top of the totem pole? The leader of the pack? The head of the line? The ruler of the roost?
It's how society defines it. It's what society says we should be striving for. Why be the indian if you could be the chief? The perks are so much better as the chief. As chief you get to call the shots, tell others how things should be done, be your own boss. Being chief is a control freaks wildest dream come true.
But being the chief isn't what everyone's called to do. Sometimes we are called to be the indian. Sometimes not even the indian. Like it or not, sometimes we are called to be the nobodys. We are called to do our job quietly behind the scenes with little to absolutely no recognition. We are called to do our job for the purpose of getting our job done. We may even be called to our job so that someone else can do their job and get the credit and recognition for the whole kit and caboodle. Is that fair?
Seems like if you work hard you should be recognized for what you have done. That would be fair, but that's not reality. That's not how life works. It's not how God intended things to go. Sometimes we never see the rewards for the work we've done this side of Heaven. But it doesn't mean that we shouldn't do what we are called to do.
So what does that mean for me and my need to lead? I am seeking to determine the reason that I lead. Do I need to lead because it makes me feel needed or do I need to lead because I am needed to lead? I don't think it'll be the same in every situation and I know that I should never lead if I the reason I am leading is because it makes me feel needed.
Sometimes I am called to simply be the worker ant. No glory, no recognition, no fame, no reward. I am called to do my job, for no other reason then it needs to be done.
This week I discovered www.bookmooch.com. It's a great way to pass on the books you've already read and to possibly receive the books that you want to read. Basically, you list the books that you are willing to give away. If your book is on someone's wishlist, then their information is sent to you and you send them the book. You pay postage to send it...media mail is rather inexpensive. And then of course if there is a book on your wishlist that someone has, they send it to you. Oh, I guess I also need to mention that the amount of books you can receive is based on a points system. You get points for listing books and for giving books away. There is a certain ration to give away and receive that they want you to have, but I don't remember what it is. Anyway, long story short...I'm loving it! What a great way to purge my bookshelves of all those books that i read once and now they are just taking up space. I'd rather see them go to someone who wants to read them as opposed to giving them to the Goodwill where they could sit forever or selling them to someplace like Half Price Books who offer just pennies on the dollr for books you know are worth more then that (and yes, I know, you can refuse an offer they make to you, but if I spent all that time carrying those books in...I don't necessarily want to lug them out to my car.)
A friend of mine also told me about a group called the Travelling Book Club...although I think she meant www.bookcrossing.com. In this one, you read a book, attach a label or tag inside and 'leave' your book somewhere for someone else to find. that person then reads the books and passes it on to someone they know or leaves it somewhere. i haven't looked into that one a whole bunch, but the basic concept is you can trace where your book goes on-line. And of course there is the possibility that your book could travel the world. It would be an interesting project to try with kids. Let them read a book and then track to see where it ended up. Maybe I'll suggest that as a home schooling project for B. How fun!
Happy Reading!
