And it took everything I had not to say...
Were you not listening?!? My name is Martha!
How many times have I promised to pray for something or for somebody and let the busyness of daily life allow me to fail to keep this promise? What then is this promise but a lie? A sin?
Above all, my brothers, do not swear - not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your "Yes" be yes, and your "No," no, or you will be condemned. James 5:12
I am realizing the utter importance of following through on the promise to pray. Maybe it means praying with that person right there and then (that I need to get much better at doing). Maybe it means praying for the person or situation before I send them an email that says that I'm praying.
What it definitely doesn't mean is putting it off until I can 'find the time', as that time will never be found.
I can't think of a time in my life when I have been this emotionally exhausted. In fact, I am so emotionally exhausted that I can't physically function. Ok, well I guess technically I am physically functioning, but definitely not at 100%. I am just dragging.
It's strange to me because I have gone through stressful periods in my life where I was mentally exhausted. Times where I spent countless hours trying to think of solutions to life's greatest mysteries...or at least my life's greatest mysteries. This always left me mentally discombobulated; unable to maintain a clear thought or form a comprehensible sentence, but I don't remember it making me so physically run-down.
Of course this also comes at a time just before I have to go in for a medical procedure so I had to stop taking my multi-vitamin and the vitamin B complex that I normally take. Who knew that that had such an impact? Gives meaning to 'you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone.'
I'm wishing for a nap. A middle of the day, curl up under the covers, everything is still and quiet, nap. Of course being at work...I just don't think that that is happening. Wishing or not.
On an entirely different topic, I have to go to the library this evening after I get off of work to look for a book that I just returned on Saturday. I didn't even think to check if the crochet hat pattern that I used to make the last hat was in one of the books from the library. I am hoping that no one has checked them out. I was supposed to have these two hats done by this Saturday. I thought I'd use the time before my procedure on Friday morning to work on them. I don't think that the hats are really going to take more then 1/2 hour each. And of course I have the poncho to finish. That'll probably take me another 2 hours at least. I need to work on it at night...but by the time I get home I am even more exhausted then I am in the morning. I find myself falling asleep in the middle of watching my programs.
I never thought I'd hear myself utter...'Thank God for DVR. What did I do before we had it?'
They're mowing the grass outside the office window. It makes me laugh that they mow it with a ride-on mower. I always think...it's really not that much grass. Of course I know that this small patch of grass outside the office isn't the only grass that they have to cut, but still...how far we've come from push mowers. That's too funny. I say that like I own a push mower and it's all I would ever think of using...heck I don't have a patch of grass anywhere near my apartment...no mowing, push or otherwise...for me.
Speaking of apartments. I found these really cute townhouses that I want to look at. They are almost $300 more a month then what we pay now and I don't know if water/trash/sewer is covered in the rent, but the have three bedrooms and two baths, which is one more bedroom and one more bath then we have now. I've always said I wouldn't pay more then what we pay now unless there was another bedroom involved. The biggest draw to these townhouses is the split floor plan...they have a basement! Two of the bedrooms and one of the baths are down in the basement. I'd love to see them. I'd love to be in a position to rent one and possibly even own one. But I'm definitely not in that position.
There is no way I can justify moving and paying more for rent or even a mortgage payment when both of our jobs are barely hanging in there. We both work less then 40 hours and while we make it...that's all we do is 'make it'. There isn't any extra for a higher payment or additional payments...just enough to meet our needs and our current luxuries. And even some of those current luxuries will have to go away here before too long. But that is life. We could choose to look for new jobs, but it doesn't seem like the best move for either of us right now. We're better off trying to stick it out where we are at. Besides, we both like where we are at. And for what it is worth, we both hate (fear) change.
Until next time.
I feel like I'm trying to break down the Great Wall of China with a plastic spork!
I know that the walls that I have constructed around me need to come crumbling down and I know that they need to come down sooner then later, but I also know how well they are built and it seems like this process of knocking them down, a little at a time, is utterly pointless, time consuming and a whole heck of a lot of back breaking work.
Cities built walls for protection. They built walls to make themselves less vulnerable to attack from their enemies. Why then do we feel it necessary to break down the walls around us and make ourselves vulnerable and exposed? Without the walls around us, aren't we more susceptible to enemy attack? Aren't we more likely to be injured and destroyed? Why would we purposely do that to ourselves? Why would we purposely break down the walls we have built for protection?
What if the problem is not the walls themselves? What if the problem is what material the walls are built from? We build our walls from the remnants of betrayal, unforgiveness, indignation, anger, hatred, grief, malevolence, ignorance, shame, criticism, humiliation, embarrassment, resentment, envy, jealousy, discouragement, cynicism, discontentment, loneliness, rejection, disapproval, abandonment, discouragement, guilt, disrespect, fear, pride, lies...the list goes on. Each time we are forced to deal with one of these things we hold onto just a little bit of it to add to our ever growing wall of emotional protection. Eventually we have built the Great Wall around us and we find ourselves trapped inside...alone.
But we need walls. We need to be protected from the enemy. We can't be vulnerable and exposed to attack.
Maybe it's not walls we need. Maybe it's an army. Maybe each of us needs an army of friends and family. People who can protect us when we are under attack. People who are stronger then we are at that time. People who know our weaknesses and are willing to use their strengths. People who will fight for us before we ask and even if we don't ask.
And that's the reason we build walls. We build walls because it's easier to protect ourselves in isolation then depend on an army of others to protect us. We fear that they will fail us. We fear that we will fail them. We fear.
I feel like I am breaking down my walls with a plastic spork and it's time-consuming and back-breaking. And I'm praying for an army!
